First of all, I am the Prodigal. Second, I don't think anyone thought, "now what do we do with her," any of the four times I came home, or at least I hope not. What this note is really about is what the Prodigal thinks about themselves and about the other people around them once they do come home, and years after they have been home. Maybe this is for the parents of the Prodigals, maybe it is for the Church in general, maybe it is for those who were lost and are found but are still having a hard time finding their place, maybe it is for all of us.
I have wonderful, Godly, forgiving parents. God knew that they were the couple to give Suzanne to, He knew that they would take me back all four of those times, even though a couple of those times it put them and my siblings at risk from a mentally unstable man. He knew that they would take me back when they knew that I'd probably just leave again. God always does know. I'm thankful for my parents. God wants parents to show the love and forgiveness He does, it is impossible for humans to do that, but with God's help even the impossible becomes possible. It is in the nature of human beings to rebel and try to do things their own way, just not everyone yields to their desires. It is when we yield our desires to God's will that our lives finally make sense.
When I came home on the multiple times I had a lot of things to "give up" smoking, drinking, cursing, promiscuity, lying, cheating, fooling around with witchcraft. There was indeed a lot to give up. It took so many attempts to finally be at that place where I was willing to give it all up, not just so I could come home, but because of God's grace, because of what He had done for me, and He set me free from those trappings when I was willing, He never takes away an "addiction" unless we are willing. He is God, He does not violate our free will to make us His puppets. He wants our love and devotion because we want to give it to Him, not just because we think we have to to get to heaven, or because we want to come home and crash mommy's sofa because our boyfriend cheated on us. It has to be our choice.
It was years ago that I made that choice. Years since I came home for good. I met my husband, got married, had two beautiful babies, settled down into the typical church going, saved by grace, pro-life, baptist, housewife. I put my past in the past. Sometimes people who knew me then would say things like "remember when you dated that nasty guy" or remember that time you..." they never do it to hurt me or make me feel guilty, or out of any malicious intent, and I always try to smile and say yes, I'm thankful I didn't marry that guy. In all honesty usually weeks and months can pass by without me thinking about the past, I don't want to most of the time. I made a lot of mistakes, I participated in a lot of sin, but it has been covered by the blood of Christ, and He says He has taken a giant eraser to my past and that according to Him, those things are gone. And then there are those other days... Those days when I'm in church and I feel so out of place because I look around and think, I bet none of these people ever drank themselves silly, or lived with a man who wasn't their husband who abused them. I feel like an alien, like a stranger, like someone who hasn't been bought with a price, like I'm not their fellow heir with Christ. NOT because if these people knew what I did they would judge me, not because of that. I'm fairly confident that if I stood in front of my Church and laid out every sin I ever committed only a handful of people would gasp and not want me there anymore. So, I don't know why, other than the enemy likes to remind us of our past and lie to us about our status with God, I would think that way or feel that way. I also am aware that the Church is made up of sinful people and that every single person making up the family of God is a sinner saved by grace, and I'm sure at least a few of them committed as ugly sins as I have. I still feel out of place sometimes. Not that I'd want to know but, it isn't like you can wear a shirt that says: "hey, anyone else here ever struggle with alcohol?" Or, "anyone else ever been held at gun point by their crazy ex-boyfriend?"
The other thing Prodigals face when they come home and have been home is the past catching up with them. God forgives, but sometimes we still have to face the consequences of our past, sometimes those consequences affect the present. Oh, my and the friends we use to hang out with. There is this social network site, called Facebook, I don't know if you're familiar with it, but sometimes your old friends can find you. Wow, do they have some shock when they find out you are one of those church going Christian types who votes...wait for it...conservative. I'm not sure what all they must think, that my family's brain washing ways finally caught up with me, that I wasn't strong enough to face life without a crutch...the Really funny thing is I have heard that before, yes, alcohol and tobacco and sleeping around was the strong choice, God is for the weak, yes, I'm laughing right now.
So, where does the returned Prodigal fit in? Where can she find a place where she will feel comfortable and accepted, and not afraid of the past catching up with her? I Know the answer is the Church, the family of God, the other sinners saved by grace. So, now how do I convince myself that on the days I'm sure people are not talking to me because they can smell the left over consequence of sin on me or something? The real reason I don't feel I fit in all the time I'm sure is because I let the guilt of the past keep me from close friendship. I'm afraid of those questions that will come up. Like, wow, you got married in February of 2006, and Lilly was born in September 2006? Or, what did you do when you got out of high school. Or when I get on my soap box about Planned Parenthood and they find out I don' t only not like them because they kill babies, but because I've been there and I know how they are. Those things.
Well, I suppose, if this gets read, the cat is out of the bag. I was a Prodigal daughter, I went away from my family full of their love, their values, their beliefs, the morals they taught me, and I came back used, broken, and empty, but by the grace of God everything that happened in between had been washed away. The good news is, I know my brothers and sisters will not keep a record of my wrongs, but that they will rejoice over my not being lost anymore. The other good news is, is that God is working on me still, He is helping me not to let the pain, guilt, and shame of the past stand in the way of what He has planned for me. I think that soon enough He will help me use the past to help other Prodigals come home. And I think that is the lesson being expressed in this. Your past is forgiven, and it will only be necessary for others to know about it because He can use it to help others, and I think I am willing to face the shame and guilt for His sake, after all, He did save even me.
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