Tuesday, September 2, 2014

A Day

She rolled out of bed late, as usual. She only had to get up twice in the night, not too bad, but sometimes the burning and pain keeps her from getting back to sleep. It's always a good time to pray, especially for the people in her life who are experiencing far worse illnesses. She knows that they may be having a hard time sleeping too. Before she remembers to pray, her mind wanders, remembering things that she has tried so hard to forget. She remembers people, places, sins. She wishes, she wishes before she realizes what folly wishing is. God would see the forgiveness she accepted and say "what sin?" She smiles a little at the thought, thanks Him for His amazing grace, then another sadness grips her, the memory of sins that leave their mark for life, she shakes her head and prays.
Today is going to be a busy day. She can already hear the children stirring. Maybe the shower will wake her up, she's so tired. The children are already arguing, she sighs. Running over the "to-do" list in her mind. Dress the baby, make breakfast, bible study, start the children on their school work, take care of the animals, call the doctor, call the other doctor, start the laundry, check the school work, guide, teach, clean, bake, change diapers, make lunch, put the youngest down for naps....
When she gets a break she wonders how many times she's thought about the upcoming surgery, thinking about what they could find. She tells herself to stop, really she may be becoming a bit of a hypochondriac, but then again.... no, even if they do find... that, it will be just fine! She says a prayer again for peace, calm, a clear mind, that the doctors can take care of the problems, that God will take care of her and her family. She remembers all His promises to do just that. Her thoughts turn toward her husband, his safety at work, her thankfulness that he has work. Her mind again wanders to other things, when will she be able to stop thinking of them? Perhaps she should get some kind of therapy? She laughs at herself. Looking around she sees hers baby coming over for another hug, how she loves those children! She wonders if she is doing enough for them? Are they behind other children their age? Do they behave worse than other children? Are they reaching the milestones on time? Oh, if only she wasn't so tired all the time! And if only she could get her mind to focus better! And why can't she seem to make many close friendships? What is wrong with her? Why is she so socially awkward? It seems like some of her family don't even want to be around her. Does she say the wrong things? At least she has this nice little family of her own who love her, but even on the rare occasion her husband hugs her by surprise, she stiffens. Twelve years, it's been twelve years since arms that were suppose to protect were rough instead, and words that should have been loving and romantic stung, and it still hurts her and puts a wedge between her and a man that actually loves her.
It's time to think of other things, more pleasant. Time to start dinner. The pain has been less today, she's thankful for that. Soon it will be time for bedtime stories and snuggles. Her husband will be home, he will talk about his day, they will make plans and dreams. She will close the day thanking God for another day, a beautiful family, less pain, for the friends she has that are dear, the past hurting her less and less with time. She will pray for relationships to grow deeper, feelings of guilt and inadequacy to leave, for her sick loved ones, to be an encouragement to those facing these storms as well, for strength for tomorrow to do it all over again, only better. And she will sleep.
This is a day in the life of one who was lost and then was found.

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